As I’m sure my faithful readers are aware, I have a long list of things I’d like to do when I’m no longer at the mercy of something so conventional and restrictive as a job to make my living. After giving it much thought, here’s what I’ve come up with for my retirement plan. Don’t worry; you can do it too!
Phase 1: Retire from the Military
I’ve got several years to go before I’m eligible for this, and there’s always the chance that the government will turn off the flow of cash to able-bodied military retirees. But if it all pans out, this is my plan. Most military retirees I know have moved on to start contracting jobs or similar careers after they finish their time in the service, but I think I’ll be ready to start something new.
Phase 2: Move to a Third World Country
Preferably somewhere warm and close to the sea. The key here is to find a place where U.S. dollars are worth a whole lot more than the local currency. This way, the modest pension of a military retiree will actually be a hefty salary. Some have suggested Thailand, Panama, or the Philippines. I suppose it will depend on the world situation when I reach that point.
Phase 3: Buy a Mansion
I don’t really need a lot of living space, but I could certainly use a nice rich & eccentric estate with enough land for my labyrinth, Segway jousting tiltyard, and my elephant pen. In addition, I would like to have a karaoke bar, a manly scotch lounge, and an appropriate space for all of my unusual hobbies. Likewise, there would be plenty of guest rooms for friends to crash in. Naturally, I don’t plan to do all my own cooking and cleaning, so I can support the local economy by hiring groundskeepers, a cook, a few maids, and two beautiful young women to fan me with palm leaves and feed me grapes.
Phase 4: Live Out My Days as an Artistic Bum
This will be the time to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do but never had time for. Learn to play the banjo? Check. Write a series of novels? Check. Figure out how to use watercolors without all the colors running together? Check. Falconry? Definitely going to do that. I’ll have plenty of time to finish reading every book that I’ve always wanted to read. I’ll be far enough removed from society that I can write manifestos and treatises. It will pretty much be awesome. I’ll be a true jackass of all trades.
So there it is: Your Friend Tony’s rich and eccentric retirement plan. What about you, friends? Do you have your own retirement plans, or are you going to borrow mine? Leave a comment!