If you’re WordPress blogger, you probably already know about the feature that lets you check out your stats and see, among other things, what search terms bring people to your site. I have only had this blog up and running since December of 2011–so my site is about four months old at this point. As soon as I discovered the “search terms” stats, I was immediately taken aback by what kinds of crazy queries brought people to me. On a typical day, I may get a list like this:
Every time I see an amusing, weird, or just plain freaky search term, I take a screen shot. I won’t clutter this post with pictures of my search terms, but I will give you a bulleted list of my favorites to date. And what’s better, I have typed each of these into Google. If my site came up in the first five pages of a web or image search, I put a link to the page it brought up. If it didn’t, I just guessed which page it brought up. Check them out:
- old lady vagina – This was the first search term that made me take a screen shot. I’m relieved to know that I did not turn up in the Google search here today, but I’m assuming it linked to my Banana Show post.
- vegas bachelorette party scavenger hunt – No search results for this one, but it probably linked to my photo post of all the brides I met in Las Vegas.
- baby jesus handprint– I turned up as the second entry in both the web search and the image search. I have a tattoo of a handprint with stigmata, but it’s small, so it looks like a baby Jesus handprint, as the manager of an establishment once told me. You can read all about it in my post about being drunk and hugging the manager.
- okinawa bananas wwii – I turned up as the third entry in the web search. I get a lot of search hits mentioning some variation of “banana show,” “banana show lady,” and “did the banana show lady die?” Being one of the few people on the internet who dared to write about the Banana Show, I get quite a few hits on this post.
- your friend moms sex photos – Fortunately, I didn’t turn up in this one. Since it has “your friend” in it, I assume it just went to my home page.
- vagina meat curtains – I recommend that you do not try this search term. (Shudder)
- how to kill your parents – This one probably linked to my post about not killing your children. I couldn’t find myself with it on Google.
- giving flowers = giving sex organs – I love this search term! I found myself on the first pages of both the image and web searches with a link to my post about why I hate to give flowers.
- scavenger hunt penis– This one probably turned up because of the Penis Bride pic in my Vegas bride pics post.
- how not to kill your kids – I turned up in the third result on the web search and the first, second, and third pics on the image search. I seem to be an authority on not murdering children.
- don’t suck– My assumption is that this linked to my post about how much I don’t dislike litotes. Way to not suck, whoever found me by this!
- strange stuff – I didn’t find myself on this, but it probably went to my blog about unusual things that I find attractive.
- curvy maze – I was on the second page of the web search and the second result of the image search. “I like my mazes the way I like my women: complicated and curvy.” Man, I crack myself up.
- estudiantes sexy – If you like beautiful Hispanic women in bikinis, I would recommend this image search. I didn’t see myself on it anywhere, and most of the results were in Spanish.
- girls bar nom nom– My friend Jessie let me borrow one of her Engrish photos that she took in Tokyo. The sign over the door of this establishment literally says “Girl’s Bar NomNom.” I popped up as the first result of the web search and Jessie’s photo was in the second row of the image search.
- my wife with a banana up her – I was dreading this search, but the results were pretty tame. I came up on top in the web search, strangely enough.
- turtle media porn– This search turned up some really weird results. I didn’t turn up in any of them, but I would guess this led to one of my Engrish photo posts with a pic of sea turtles doing it on a mural at Ocean Expo Park.
- is she too young for me half your age plus 7 – I get some variation on this search term pretty frequently. I was the third result of the web search, right behind Urban Dictionary.
- “sacrifice a virgin to get to the super bowl” – This one freaks me out a little bit. I have minimal interest in sports unless an Indiana team is on a winning streak, but I came up as the third result of the web search, linked to my post about community theater. The image search turned up a whole bunch of the Engrish pics I posted, and then there’s a link to my profile picture on Twitter, which is the same head shot I use for Facebook and WordPress. What’s not included? Anything about the Super Bowl. If you put it in without the quotation marks, it gives you what you would expect: articles and images that ridicule Tim Tebow for being a virgin and getting replaced by Peyton Manning as the Broncos’ quarterback.
- sexy nudy chinese women – If you like beautiful Asian women in lingerie, I recommend this image search. I did not turn up, but a lot of Asian porn sites did. If I had to guess, this probably linked to my post about learning foreign languages, which featured a photo of a woman in a bikini teaching Chinese calligraphy to a male student.
To be honest, this took a lot longer to research than I thought it would, but I sure had fun doing it. Try these searches if you dare! If you other bloggers have had some crazy search terms, tell me about it in the comments. If you’re one of the people who found my site by these search terms, definitely let me know!