Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m already eccentric, but if I ever get rich, too, it will open up a whole new world of weirdness. I have a whole list of things I’d like to own, hobbies I’d like to pursue, people I’d like to hire, etc. However, I am unable to do most of these things because I don’t have the cash, or I can’t afford to quit my job and devote the time that is required.
I will probably revisit this topic frequently because there are a lot of things on this list, so I’ll just drop them on here one by one until I run out of eccentricities to discuss. (Hint: I’ll never run out of eccentricities to discuss.)
If I were rich and eccentric, I would have a pet elephant. Why? Because they’re huge, they’re smart, and they have cool noses. Really, though, elephants are among the world’s most intelligent creatures. They have highly developed brains similar to those found in some species of apes and dolphins, and they are known for their memories. Some naturalists speculate that one of the reasons African elephants are hostile toward humans is because at one point or another in many of their long lives, most of them have witnessed human poachers killing one of their own.
And speaking of long lives, another benefit to having an elephant is that they live for a long time. Cats and dogs can live for a decade or two, but elephants live 60 to 75 years, which is pretty close to a human lifespan. If I raise it from its own childhood, I won’t have to deal with the emotional strain of my elephant dying at all because it will outlive me. But in that same amount of time, I would have buried a dozen cats and dogs.
But enough of that; let’s come back to the cool noses: Elephants’ trunks are prehensile and can hold water, which they drink or use to bathe. Likewise, they are actually able to handle tools. I guess what I’m trying to say is that elephants have nasal dexterity. What can you do with your nose? Even your coolest nose-related party tricks are lame compared to an elephant’s.
What would I do if I had an elephant? That’s a great question. First, if I can talk my wife into it, I want it to be allowed indoors. I would have a custom-made elephant door on my house. Since elephants are intelligent and highly tractable, I could teach it a lot of little jobs, like how to serve cocktails at parties or how to relocate my wife’s treadmill. I would definitely ride it to business meetings as often as I could, and I’m sure it would be great for parades. Whenever I have water fights in the backyard of my huge estate, the elephant’s trunk would be like a natural Super Soaker, so I would certainly be equipped with the big artillery. Also, if I could get a good deal on a circus elephant, it might already know cool tricks to amuse my friends. I might even see if I could train it to babysit my grandchildren . . . or some of my other pets.
I will have to wait until I’m rich to own an elephant for a number of reasons. First, there’s the exotic animal permit–you know that’s not going to be cheap. Then, I’m sure owning an elephant is a lot of work, so I’d probably have to hire someone to help out with feeding, watering, training, and cleaning up poop. The same person would probably have to be available to take care of it while I was traveling to exotic locations. If I wanted to take the elephant with me when traveling, it is probably pretty expensive to transport and house. Another consideration is that elephants are huge, so they have to eat a lot (over 300 lbs. of food a day). And finally, naturally, if dogs chew on things, cats scratch things up, and kids color on things, then an elephant has to have some annoying destructive habit. Whether it’s replacing major bits of landscaping that the monstrous creature has trampled, or else repairing furniture that it sat on, I’m pretty sure I’ll fork over a hefty sum in damages caused by this otherwise amazing pet.